


Dumb Ways to Die

by RascalJoy (DarkQuill)



Category: Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Parody, Trolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-16
Updated: 2015-09-16
Packaged: 2018-04-21 03:16:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4812902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkQuill/pseuds/RascalJoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm changing the lyrics to fit a few of our closest near-death experiences."</p><p>Artemis stared at him like he was crazy. "And why would you do that?"</p><p>Wally huffed. "It's for a contest for the Chicken Whizzies company. The rules say you have to rewrite a song to fit superheroes. The winner gets a lifetime supply of Chicken Whizzies!"</p><p>Dumb Ways to Die: Young Justice Style</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dumb Ways to Die

**Author's Note:**

> Cross posted from Fanfiction.net.
> 
> Original publish date: 9-15-15
> 
> See if you get all the references in the song ;)

"Wally!"

Wally looked up, startled. "What? I didn't do anything this time!"

Artemis glared at him. "Really, Kid Idiot? I swear, if you hum Dumb Ways to Die one more time..."

"Okay, okay!" Wally cried, holding up his hands in surrender. "Not my fault it's so catchy!"

"It's not catchy," Artemis huffed. "Especially since you won't stop humming it."

Wally rolled his eyes. "That made no sense."

"Yes, it did!"

"No, it didn't!"

"Yes, it—"

"Oh, for crying out loud," Robin interrupted. "Could you two manage to go ten minutes without arguing? Or is that too much to ask?"

Both turned to glare at the Boy Wonder. "We are _not_ arguing!"

Robin raised an eyebrow over his sunglasses. "Why don't you just kiss and get it over with already?"

_"WHAT?!"_

"I wouldn't kiss that—that Baywatch if my life depended on it!" Artemis spluttered, her cheeks turning bright red.

"Me neither! " Wally said vehemently, his face flaming as red as his hair. "Except her!"

Robin smirked. "Finally, something you both agree on."

"What is 'Dumb Ways to Die'?" M'gann asked curiously. "And why is Wally humming it?"

"It's a viral video on YouTube," Wally explained. "It's a song. And an Australian train commercial, I might add. And I'm humming it because I'm trying to rewrite it."

Now it was Robin's turn to be incredulous. "You're _what_?"

"Well, you know how we nearly die on a daily basis?" Wally said. "I'm changing the lyrics to fit a few of our closest near-death experiences."

Artemis stared at him like he was crazy. "And why would you do that?" she said slowly, as if questioning his mental stability.

Wally scowled at her. "Because I feel like it."

Everyone gave him a strange look.

Wally huffed. "Fine! It's for a contest for the Chicken Whizzies company. The rules say you have to rewrite a song to fit superheroes. The winner gets a lifetime supply of Chicken Whizzies!" A small pout formed on his mouth, emerald eyes pleading. "I _love_ Chicken Whizzies!"

Artemis facepalmed. "Is there any food you don't love?"

Wally seemed to think about it. "Clams," he decided. "Ate twenty of them at one time on a dare." A pointed glare found its way to the Boy Wonder. "Anyway, didn't sit well with me."

Artemis snorted in amusement, glancing at Robin. "Nice one."

"Thank you." A smirk grew on Robin's face. "You wouldn't believe how green he was. I have pictures, if you want to—"

"No!" Wally yelped. "Please?"

Zatanna (having somehow magically convinced her father to let her spend the evening at the mountain) turned questioningly toward M'gann. "Is this what it's like here _all_ the time?"

M'gann sighed, giving a small nod. "Pretty much."

Zatanna grinned, turning to watch as the three other humans continued to squabble. "Neat."

The other non-arguers glanced at her curiously.

Zatanna shrugged, undeterred. "Hey, not much ever happens at my place. The noise is a nice change."

"I suppose you get used to it," M'gann agreed with a sigh.

Without warning, Robin stopped talking and hopped onto the couch next to Wally before the speedster could react, leaning over to see what was in the notebook.

"Hey!" Wally protested, hugging the book closer to him. "It's not ready yet."

"For what?" Dick asked.

"Reading," Wally grumbled.

Artemis blinked. "That was totally a Hobbit moment."

Wally gringed cheekily. "Why do you think I said it?"

"Come on, man, let me see," Robin demanded, snatching at the notebook encased in his friend's arms. He pulled it up, and out of its confines, backflipping off the couch and dashing into the kitchen area. Before Wally was even out of his seat, Robin had scrambled up the countertop and plopped down on _top_ of one of the cabinets.

"Okay, that is so not cool, dude," Wally protested, shooting over and attempting to mimic Robin's graceful path up the counter—and failing...miserably. "Give it back!"

"Eat twenty ocean clams?" Robin said amusedly, tapping his finger to the page. "Is that the best you got? I didn't know that experience was _that_ traumatic for you."

Wally's face flushed. "Like you could do any better," he snorted.

"Oh, but I can," Robin sneered. Pulling a pencil out of nowhere, he scribbled a few lines down on the paper. He handed it back down to Wally. "And that, my friend, is your first verse."

"Yeah, right," the speedster grumbled, accepting his property back. Within seconds, he was staring dumbfounded at the words on the page. "Dude," he said slowly, this time in awe and excitement rather than annoyance. "What else you got?"

"Nuh uh uh," Robin chastised, tutting loudly. "I don't work for free. If I do this... M'gann, can you set up a private mental link for just KF and me, please?"

M'gann blinked. "Um, I think I have to be a part of a mental link in order for it to work."

Robin waved a hand dismissively. "No problem."

"Okay," M'gann agreed, slightly confused as she placed a hand to her forehead, eyes briefly glowing green.

The room was silent as the two friends stared at each other.

Wally's face lost color surprisingly quick, even for a speedster. "You're joking," he stammered.

Robin grinned evilly. "Nope."

Much to Wally's chagrin, M'gann giggled, covering her mouth with her hand.

"No way, dude," Wally snapped petulantly.

Robin shrugged nonchalantly. "Good luck writing your song, then." He hopped down from his perch, striding back toward the couch and picking up his laptop before moving to leave the room.

"Wait!" Wally yelped, his face flushing cherry red yet again. "I'll...I'll do it."

"Asterous," Robin cackled, tossing his laptop back on the couch and rubbing his hands together gleefully. "When do we start?"

"Now," Wally said immediately. His cheeks colored a little bit more. "The deadline is tonight at 8pm."

Artemis whistled, glancing at the clock. "Someone's cutting it close. Better get started, Baywatch. You've got three hours."

Wally shot her a dirty look, then moved to sit on the couch next to Robin.

The two began muttering to each other, scratching words down on paper, and erasing them just as fast. Occasionally, they would call out to their teammates, asking for ideas as to any particularly harrowing moments in a mission that they could include.

About an hour later, Wally triumphantly lifted the notebook over his head. "And, done!" he crowed triumphantly.

Robin smirked. "With two and a half hours to spare."

Wally opened his laptop, fingers tapping excitedly on the keys as he loaded the Chicken Whizzies website contest form. "This is gonna be so great! We're so...gonna..." He trailed off, staring in disbelief at the screen.

"What?" Robin demanded, peeking over Wally's shoulder. A few moments later, he burst out laughing, almost knocking his sunglasses off his face as he slapped a hand to his forehead in an apparent face palm.

"What's going on?" Artemis demanded. "What's so funny?"

"You—you—" Robin attempted between cackles, swallowing back his laughter with enormous difficulty. "You don't just write a song," he managed. "You have to shoot a music video."

There was a beat of silence.

Then, Artemis and Zatanna cracked up, M'gann, Connor, and Kaldur looking on with matching expressions of confusion.

"Oh, that's rich," Zatanna chortled.

"More than rich," Artemis snorted. "It's golden!"

"What is a music video?" M'gann asked, acting as spokesperson for the three nonhuman members.

Zatanna hastily explained as Wally groaned dramatically, sinking into the soft green couch cushions. "I can't shoot a music video!" he whined. "I can barely sing!"

"You can carry a tune," Robin said helpfully. "Just barely... But you can."

Wally glared at him. "Gee, thanks. And I suppose you're Mr. Songbird?"

Robin opened his mouth to reply, then closed it. His cheeks flushed. "Um..."

"Oh my gosh, I'm helping!" Zatanna cried, jumping to her feet excitedly. "I can do props, scenery, and costumes!"

"I'll help you, Zatanna," M'gann cried, smiling cheerfully as the energetic atmosphere radiated through the room.

"I'll handle special effects," Artemis volunteered, a cruel smirk growing on her features.

"But we still need someone to sing!" Wally protested.

Everyone froze.

"That could be a problem," Zatanna agreed.

"Robin," Connor stated flatly.

Everyone glanced at him curiously.

"Robin can sing," Connor clarified. "I've heard him in the training room. He's very good."

Robin stared at him, lips parted in shock. "What? How?"

Connor gave him an unimpressed stare. "Superhearing."

Dazedly, Robin nodded. "Right. Superhearing. Hello, Robin."

He noticed everyone staring at him and flushed. "What?" he demanded.

"And we have our star!" Wally cried triumphantly, grabbing Robin's hand and hefting it in the air so the shorter boy had to stretch so his toes still touched the ground.

Robin snatched his hand back, glaring daggers at Wally through his sunglasses. "You're doing it with me, Kid Mouth."

Wally shrugged, undeterred. "Fine."

"We'll all do it," Zatanna suggested. "Or at least help in some way."

"But that means I have to share the prize," Wally moaned. "I don't..." He faltered at the hideous looks being sent his way. "Which is cool!" he added quickly.

"Wouldn't it not be cheating?" Kaldur questioned.

Everyone stared at him.

"Cheating how?" M'gann asked, confused.

Kaldur spread his hands expansively. "We are superheroes, are we not? And if we are entering a contest about us, would that not be cheating?"

There was silence.

"You know," Robin said slowly. "He's right. And besides, our lyrics are chock full of inside jokes. You wouldn't understand the song if you weren't one of us."

The energy in the room dropped as fast as it had increased.

Suddenly, Wally smacked his forehead. "Hello, Wally! We'll just do it in costume!"

"Are you crazy?!" Artemis practically shrieked. "How will that help our situation at all?"

Wally shrugged. "Hey, we're superheroes, and we're being up front about it. As much as I hate to say it, Rob's right: if you aren't a team member, you won't get the lyrics. Maybe we'll be redeemed if we're all in costume. I still want those Chicken Whizzies."

"But officially, only five of us exist," Kaldur protested. "This team is covert, remember?"

Wally waved a hand dismissively. "We'll leave Connor and M'gann out of the actual film." He shot an apologetic look at the Martian. "Sorry, babe."

M'gann shrugged. "That's all right. I'll just help behind the scenes."

Wally spread his arms. "Tada! It all works out."

Another awkward pause.

"This had better work, Wally," Artemis hissed.

Robin shrugged. "As long as he pays his dues, I'm still in."

The others chorused agreement.

Wally clapped his hands together loudly, grinning so wide he resembled a certain clown prince of crime. "Okay, people, chop chop! We have two hours to script, set up, and film this music video. All in a day's work, right? Let's do this!"

* * *

 

The next half hour was spent brainstorming, hammering, screaming, and moving all the furniture in the living room into one big pile.

"We could have one scene for each line," Robin suggested. "You know, use security footage when possible, and just act out the others."

"Perfect!" Wally agreed.

Finally, they were ready. An improvised camera room had been set up in the lounge, the furniture having been shoved out into the hallway beyond. A green screen took up one entire wall, the kitchen chock full of camera equipment directly opposite.

"This is going to be great," Wally giggled, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "Script? I need my script!"

Artemis strode forward, acting as spokesperson for the main script writers (Zatanna, Robin, and herself). She smacked the document across Wally's face, then handed it to him with a smirk. "It's not your script, Kid Jerk. We wrote it."

Wally rubbed his cheek, glaring angrily at her. "I helped write the song, which happens to be 98 percent of the dialogue on that page. Still counts."

Artemis shrugged. "Whatever."

Wally glanced through the papers, muttering to himself. "Okay, places everybody! We have one hour!"

It took just _over_ an hour to shoot the missing scenes and record the voices, and another ten minutes for Robin to slap it all together on his laptop. A quick introductory video later, and the team was sitting on the couch, watching with unconcealed excitement as Wally brought up the Chicken Whizzies website.

"I can practically taste the fried greasy goodness already!" Wally sighed, licking his lips hungrily.

Artemis whacked him across the head. "Stop counting your chickens before they hatch. We still have to submit the video within the next two minutes, Kid Idiot, and you still haven't filled out the contest form!"

Artemis blinked to find every blank filled and every applicable box checked.

Wally smirked. "You were saying?"

Artemis rolled her eyes, heat creeping to her cheeks. "Shut up and submit it."

With a dramatic flourish, Wally stuck out a finger to hit the enter key—and the screen went black.

"What?!" Wally screamed, tapping frantically at the keys. "Whatjusthappened? Roooooob!"

"I'm right here," Robin snapped, plugging the ear nearest the speedster's mouth. "Jeez!" He leaned forward, wagging his finger across the mousepad. "Dude, I think it just ran out of battery."

"Noooooooooo!" Wally wailed in anguish. "This was going to be my ticket to a better life!"

Artemis quirked an eyebrow. "A lifetime of free junk food?"

"Exactly!" Wally cried.

"Dude, calm down," Robin soothed, eyes glued to his own computer screen. "I've got my laptop right here. We still have sixty seconds. Think you can fill out the contest form that fast?"

Wally practically ripped the computer from his friend's hands. "Of course I can! I'm Kid Flash!"

Sure enough, eleven seconds later, everything was in its proper place.

"Goodbye broccoli, hello processed leftovers!" Wally crowed, hitting the enter key.

And...nothing happened.

"What is it now?" Wally moaned, tearing at his hair.

"Dude," Robin enunciated, sunglasses fixed on the screen. "Do the words, 'Daylight Savings Time' mean anything to you?"

Wally blinked. "Don't tell me it started today."

Robin nodded. "Yep."

Wally ogled him in horror. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screeched, slipping bonelessly off the couch and flopping on the ground. "My junk food!"

Robin and Artemis exchanged amused glances.

"I'm starting to think it's a good thing he didn't make it in," Artemis stated.

Wally jerked upright to a sitting position, turning to glare daggers at the archer. "And why is that?"

Artemis raised an unimpressed eyebrow. "You're way too obsessed with those things. A free lifetime supply on a speedster metabolism? Do the words 'fat' and 'food coma' mean anything to you?"

Wally blinked. "No."

Artemis face palmed.

There was a long silence.

"So," Zatanna said slowly. "Now what?"

Wally stared mournfully up at her. "Now nothing. We missed the deadline."

"But we can't just delete it," the magician protested. "We worked so hard on it—"

"For two hours," Artemis snorted. "It took me three times as long to do my Chemistry project."

"Chemistry project?" Wally asked, eyes brightening as he whirled around to stare puppy-eyed at her from the floor. "What was it about?"

"Shut up, nerd," Artemis snapped.

The absolutely wounded expression on the speedster's face made her hesitate.

She sighed. "Electronegativy."

Wally perked up instantly. "That is wicked cool! What did you do for it? My project was the orbitals of an atom. They're kinda hard to get, but once you know how to read the Periodic Table of Elements..." The speedster continued to ramble on, the archer's face going from annoyed, to resigned, to help-me-this-guy-is-crazy.

"Whatever keeps him happy, I suppose," Robin muttered, quietly slipping from the room as Wally went on to talk about the complexity of the d and f orbitals.

And the whole thing was forgotten. Almost.

* * *

 

_Two weeks later..._

_Recognized: Robin B01_

A shadow appeared in the doorway of the lounge where the rest of the team was—minus Wally. "GPS News, quick!" Robin ordered, panting slightly as he flipped over the back of the couch.

"What? Why?" Zatanna asked.

"Now! Trust me on this one."

Slightly confused, Artemis grabbed the remote and clickec through the channels to the proper station.

— _live as what appears to be Kid Flash is preparing for...well, something_ , the newslady, Iris Allen, was saying. The camera turned, zeroing in on a green figure standing on top of a two story building.

Artemis choked. "Is that _Wally_?!"

"What is Wally doing?" M'gann asked, confused.

"Remember thay deal we made a couple weeks ago?" Robin snickered. "Just watch."

Understanding dawned in the Martian's eyes. She giggled quietly as Kid Flash—dressed in an elf costume complete with little bells on the hat and shoes—cleared his throat.

"Attention, everyone!" Wally squeaked. "I have a little announcement to make!" Even through the camera, the twin red spots on Wally's cheeks stood out like a sore thumb. Clearly uncomfartable, he fidgeted nervously as he opened his mouth...and began to sing.

 _Dashing through Central_  
_On my very own two feet_  
_Over cars and stalls_  
_Tearing through the streets_

 _Bells on store doors ring_  
_As I grab a snack to go_  
_What fun it is to sprint and sing_  
_A speedster song for show_

 _Oh, Flash is great, Bats is too_  
_Robin all the way_  
_Oh, what fun it is to run_  
_As a piggybacking sleigh_

 _Flash is great, Bats is too_  
_Robin all the way_  
_Oh, what fun it is to run_  
_As a piggybacking sleigh_

 _Sometime the last week_  
_I thought I'd have some fun_  
_And soon Green Arrow's niece_  
_Was lying in my arms_

 _My legs are lean and lank_  
_But misfortune is my lot_  
_We jumped into a fight at a bank_  
_And then she got upset_

 _Oh, Flash is great, Bats is too_  
_Robin all the way_  
_Oh, what fun it is to to run_  
_As a piggybacking sleigh_

 _Flash is great, Bats is too_  
_Robin all the way_  
_Oh, what fun it is to to run_  
_As a piggybacking sleigh_

And just like that, with a green flash and a jingling of bells, the speedster was gone.

 _Um...well_ , said the newsreporter, a smile quirking at the corners of her lips. _Another_...interesting _performance from our dear own Kid Flash. Back to you, Cat._

There was approximately ten seconds of silence. Then the whole room erupted into laughter.

"That...was...perfect!" Zatanna wheezed, falling out of her seat in an attempt to control her giggles.

"I...know!" Robin gasped. "Sorry, 'bout...that, Artie. It worked too well!"

Artemis shook her head, unable to stop the grin splitting across her face. "Any other day I'd be mad, Boy Wonder, but in this case I don't mind at all."

_Recognized: Kid Flash B03_

Everyone froze. They exchanged glances.

"You recorded that, right?" Artemis asked.

Robin smirked. "Is the Batmobile black?"

A wolfish grin spread over Artemis's features as tinkling, silvery footsteps echoed in the hallway. "Let's get him."

~o~

_Four years later..._

~o~

"Um...Dick?"

Nightwing glanced up from his mission report, glancing over at Batman's latest protégé, Tim Drake. "What's up, Timmy?"

The teen's eyebrows were furrowed, his twinkling blue eyes narrowed at the screen before him. "Er...what's this?"

Nightwing turned back to his own screen, continuing his train of thought down the paragraph. "Have to be a bit more specific, buddy."

"It's under the heading 'Chicken Whizzies.'"

The first Robin's head jerked up, vaulting from his position to stand behind his younger's chair within seconds. Horrified, his jaw dropped as he stared at the video displayed on one of the Batcomputer's many monitors. "How did you get this?" he demanded.

Confused blue eyes turned up to meet his. "Batman said it was mandatory vigilante curriculum before I could join the team." He pressed a key on the keyboard, and a video began to play; a very familiar video.

Nightwing's heart sank as the music filtered through the speakers, corresponding footage appearing with each lyric.

 _Track down a wayward drone_  
_Release an angry super clone_  
_Eat anything made by M'gann_  
_Run into a mission without a plan_

The five public partners (Robin, Kid Flash, Aqualad, Artemis, and Zatanna) appeared on the screen, doing a strange hula dance thingie that Dick certainly was _not_ proud of—anymore.

 _Dumb ways to die_  
_So many dumb ways to die_  
_Dumb ways to die_  
_So many dumb ways to die_

More clips interspersed with the lyrics, showing different scenes from five year old missions.

 _Tell an 8-year-old to stay_  
_Try to bust in the Superman way_  
_Fly the bioship into a wall_  
_Think that Mr. Twister's friendly after all_

Again, the five partners appeared. And did the same thing. Dick's cheeks burned so bad, he briefly entertained the thought that they might be on fire.

 _Dumb ways to die_  
_So many dumb ways to die_  
_Dumb ways to die_  
_So many dumb ways to die_

 _Invite a supervillain inside_  
_Come along "just for the ride"_  
_Place the Helmet of Faith o'er your face_  
_Use a freestanding shelf as a hiding place_

Hula dancing. One of the notes on the video admitted that Wally had done the choreography.

 _Dumb ways to die_  
_So many dumb ways to die_  
_Dumb ways to die_  
_So many dumb ways to die_

 _Keep a monkey as a pet_  
_Do acrobatics without a net_  
_Think there's one, hold on, there's two_  
_I wonder if this is what Bats would do?_

Dick's fingers twitched, and it took all of his self-control not to rip the hard drive out of the computer. He just barely managed it. A policeman's salary was never going to cover a replacement Batcomputer.

 _Dumb ways to die_  
_So many dumb ways to die_  
_Dumb ways to die_  
_So many dumb ways to die_

 _Morph into a Martian during Hall'ween season_  
_Disturb a nest of thugs for no good reason_  
_Stand on the roof of a freight train in motion_  
_Guzzle down some of Cobra's new potion_  
_Try to keep peace in a world full of crazies_  
_It don't rhyme but it's quite possibly_

If Dick remembered correctly, this was the last verse. Assuming his temper would hold out that long. A vein in his forehead throbbed frantically, practically ready to burst. Almost done...

 _The dumbest way to die_  
_The dumbest way to die_  
 _The dumbest way to die_  
_It's definitely_  
_By far the dumbest way to die_

The five pointed accusingly at the camera.

_Be safe around villains. A message from Young Justice._

The screen turned black.

Nightwing stared unmoving at the screen.

"Dick?" Robin asked hesitantly.

The elder hero blinked. Without a word, he stalked off toward the garage. Moments later, Tim heard the familiar revving of Dick's motorcycle as the glaring light of the headlight illuminated the vigilante as he streaked out of the Batcave.

It was Tim's turn to blink. Shrugging, he ficed his attention back to the Batcomputer. He didn't see what freaked Dick out so much; the guy had a really good voice.

* * *

 

_Recognized: Nightwing B01_

The original members of the team glanced up in slight surprise as the youngest of their original group appeared in the golden light, half-jogging toward them from the zeta tubes. Gesturing with one black gloved hand, the vigilante slipped off down the hallway.

Exchanging questioning looks, Artemis, Conner, M'gann, Wally, Kaldur, and Zatanna separated from the smaller group of newer members and followed Dick down the hall to the old lounge.

When they arrived in the familiar green circle of couches, M'gann was the first to speak as the others took seats around her: "What is it, Nightwing? Is something wrong?"

Nightwing shook his head slowly. "You're not going to believe this."

Artemis raised an eyebrow at the man. "Try me."

"You know that song we wrote five years ago?" the former boy wonder continued. "For the Chicken Whizzies contest?"

Wally sat bolt upright, emerald eyes gleaming with curiosity. "Yeah. What about it?"

"Guess what the League decided would be a good 'to do and not to do' curriculum for new recruits?"

The six other original members stared, eyes wide and horrified, at their fellow teammate.

It was Wally (as usual) who spoke what was on everybody's minds: "Well, crap."

* * *

 

_Bonus:_

"Oh, and Wally?"

"What?"

"Your little stunt in downtown Central was under 'Reasons Why You Shouldn't Make Deals With a Bat.'"

"Shut up, Dick."


End file.
